Prisoner of My Past
by NeverLookBackSamurai
Summary: The world famous detective reflects upon his childhood. If he could call it as such. Living in an orphanage for intelligent children was never easy. L centric. Spoiler for those who haven't read up to volume 7 and beyond.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Death Note or any characters affiliated therewith. Neither do I own "Heaven's Not Enough" or any material related to Wolf's Rain in any way.

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**Dedicated to Grace, who helped me overcome one of the biggest obstacles in my life, and Adrenachaos, who inspired me to write this because of her AMV.**

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_Heaven's not enough_

_If when you get there_

_Just another blue_

_And heaven's not enough_

_You think you've found it_

_And it loses you…_

I remember the orphanage. I remember the pain I felt as my peers singled me out as Wammy's number one prodigy, as the next L. I've never had friends; I don't know how to trust.

_You've thought of all there is_

_But not enough_

_And it loses you in a cloud_

_"There" most everything is nothin'_

_That it seems_

_"Where" you see the things you only wanna see…_

Cold stone walls, impassable to a child who has no one and nowhere to go; stained glass windows, an attempt at beauty, but no more than another barrier to the freedom sunlight could have afforded me.

_I'd fly away_

_To a higher plane_

_To say words I resist_

_To float away_

_To sigh_

_To breathe… forget…_

He first took me there when I was five years old, the man I consider the closest one to a father and savior. My biological Mother and Father perished in a house fire, or so they told me. Thus, I never really knew them, even though I dream of loving embraces that I cannot remember receiving.

_And heaven's not enough_

_If when I'm there I don't remember you_

_And heaven does enough_

_You think you know it_

_And it uses you…_

_I saw so many things_

_But like a dream_

_Always losing me in a cloud…_

Always L, never by my birth name, so I never played with the other kids. Day after day, I sat alone in the library, or in some quiet, shady corner of the grounds, contemplating why they chose _me,_ of all people, to be the next L. To this day, I have yet to figure it out.

'_Cause I couldn't cry_

'_Cause I turned away_

_Couldn't see the score..._

_Didn't know the pain_

_Of leaving yesterday really far behind…_

The main hall was my favorite room, with its enormous round dome suspended by marble pillars. For as long as I can remember, I was the only one who ever stayed there at lunch recess. I would gaze up at the birds that flew outside and only wish I could be free like them.

_In another life_

_In another dream_

_By a different name_

_Gave it all away_

_For a memory_

_And a quiet lie…_

I observe Soichiro Yagami's behavior toward his son, and my mind is drawn to a hazy memory of sitting on a man's shoulders, small hands buried in his unruly black hair, with a smiling brunette woman walking beside him.

_And I felt the face_

_Of a cold tonight_

_Still don't know the score…_

My whole being silently envies the bond between this father and son, the kind of link I cannot remember ever having. This is why I indulge myself in eating sweets: the sugar content reminds me of a bitterness and longing I will never allow anyone to know exists.

_But I know the pain_

_Of leaving everything really far behind…_

Light has never had to hide behind a single, enigmatic letter on a computer screen, a distorted voice, or even an alias; never had to be sheltered by a well-meaning cast of characters that made me feel trapped behind a wrought-iron gate. But I have had to live a lie every single day of my life since entering Wammy. I've always known it was for protection, but I want to do normal things… After all, I'm human too…

_And if I could cry_

_And if I could live what truth I did then take me there…_

I know now that I am dying. What a curious feeling, the pain and constriction within my chest. I see clearly now: Light Yagami is Kira. I wasn't wrong. But… I…

_Heaven goodbye…_

I will no longer be a prisoner of my past.

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**A/N:** Once again, please forgive me for my horrible writing skills. If you wish to know the AMV I was inspired by, PM me and I shall do my best to send you the URL. It really is quite good.


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